There are two key moments of emotion in my life that will always stay vivid in my mind. Two moments of such massive emotion I thought I would burst with strength of them.
1) we were about a month into our relationship and laying on your bed, your arm around me and my head on your chest. I got a warm feeling and a smile creeped onto my face, this was it, this is what falling in love felt like, this is how it felt to feel like the luckiest girl in the world, to feel wanted for everything that I was, to feel safe, protected and loved back. It was the moment I knew I could let my Walls down and you would be there to guard me from the world. You asked me why I was smiling, I replied with ‘oh, no reason’ and you kissed me on the forehead, and for the first time said the three words, ‘I love you’. This was it, I’d found him, the guy I wanted to share my whole life with.
2) skip to almost exactly 2 years on, skip from the view of blissful happiness of a young, in love couple, skip to the image of a broken girl sat alone on her sofa at 3am, screaming in pain, emotional pain that hurt so much it became physical, tears rolling down her face, unable to breathe through the sobs. Having just heard the boy she loved so much, gave up so much for is leaving her for someone else, someone else that he’s just admitted to already sleeping with, holding in his arms and loving. It is like a shard of glass has been shoved in your chest and your heart has been ripped out. You think the screaming pain will never stop, and you learn that it dulls down, and some days you are even numb about it, but you will never forget that pain, those ugly emotional scars will never fade. The hurt of heartbreak.
18 months on, and having over come the dark times where you think life isn’t worth living without him, the degrading times where you think the only way to feel wanted is to sleep with other guys and have the mentality of ‘fuck relationships’ and the crazy times, the drink/drug fuelled benders where you are having an amazing time until someone brings him up or you see him out and you end up in the toilet with a friend, a drunken mess weeping for everything that happened.
I can now look back and not regret him, for at the time he was my everything, I don’t blame him for what he did, he can’t help his emotions changing. Sometimes I still cry, but I cry for the poor broken girl that I was, I cry for that girl who was screaming at 3am, the girl who was cut out of his life as if she never existed. I see her as a different person, because I am a much stronger person now. I still become crippled with the pain of losing him some times, like an aching scar, and I have still never trusted another man. But I know in time I will find someone else, for the moment I am just not ready for the cycle to happen again